I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
