when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
