It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
