Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
