The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
