Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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