i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
