I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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