good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Someone signed my nipple.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
