Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
