I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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