I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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