i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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