I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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