The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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