Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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