I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
