Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
