i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
