I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
you had me at cake vodka
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
