Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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