I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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