mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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