Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
