I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
