I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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