i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
