I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
