where am i from again
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
