Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
