i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
