She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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