I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
