You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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