Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
