my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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