Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
