well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
