I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
