just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Drake has all the answers
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
