Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
