she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
