why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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