I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
