So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
