Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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