We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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