WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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