The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
