i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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