I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
