her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
